Confrontation occurs in all relationships that have an investment in long-term connections. That sounds like a wild assertion, nonetheless, it is true. The greatest value is in seeing that confrontation is a glorious, even if at times uncomfortable, way to truly understand another person.
The first, and I believe most important, distinction is to separate the idea of conflict from confrontation. Those are two totally different realities. With conflict, there needs to be a winner. With confrontation, there needs to be a solution.
Conflict comes about when there is a need to prove another wrong, bad, or even evil. Confrontation comes about when there is a need to understand.
If I believed you committed to an event Tuesday night and you no-showed, I can create a conflict to prove how undependable, unreliable, and inconsiderate you are. My intent is to have you walk away feeling bad about yourself because I am the righteous one who followed my word, you are the bad one who didn’t, and I will make you pay.
If I confront the issue that I showed up expecting you to be there and you weren’t, I will confront you, not in anger but wanting an answer, looking to understand why. Once I understand, I will then realize you don’t take commitment seriously, OR, I will learn a crisis or impossible situation occurred and you were regrettably forced to make last minute changes. Changes I probably would have made myself under the same circumstances. Either way, by confronting the situation rather than pretending it was OK prevents probable passive aggressive behavior from occurring, or anger coming out in an over-reaction to an unrelated situation. I instead deal with the actual situation and get resolution, allowing me to consciously and powerfully choose to respond in a way that is appropriate for me. We now understand more about how the other thinks or deals with issues. No patterns of walking on eggshells – and – no pretense.
Intimacy only exists in relationships when we feel safe. We only feel safe when we know how the other person deals with a wide variety of situations. By having the integrity, and “nerve” to confront things that bother us or that we don’t understand, we get the needed resolution and understanding of who the other person chooses to be.
I have repeatedly seen one person enraged over what they perceived to be an intentional slight when in fact the first person is oblivious that an issue even occurred much less that someone thinks they consciously chose to be offensive or inconsiderate.
This newsletter is a call to take risks in relationships, personal and professional. Only in doing so will the safety and freedom of real connection, or intimacy, occur. How can you know, like, and trust someone when you have never experienced dealing with an uncomfortable situation which inevitably shows up in all relationships where frequent communication occurs through texts, emails, voice mails, and so on? Partners need to learn to partner, and that occurs by never assuming someone’s intent, putting a context on a statement that may be 180 degrees from reality, or being so frightened to offend or lose the connection that the call, or opportunity, for greater intimacy is ignored.
All relationships are a risk because they call us to grow within ourselves and to take all the risks they entail if they are to deepen. Bottom line, however, is that they are sooo worth it……
