The Hidden Cost of How You Lead

During a presentation I did last month, when I used the words Coach/Leader interchangeably, I was told that I needed to choose one group or the other for marketing purposes. I am always open to feedback but for me this comment was such a reminder that in so many circles the word “Leader” has certain – and very limited - connotations. The truth is, every one of us is a leader. We are leaders of our own lives, our family perhaps, our business, our health, etc.

Leadership means “I am responsible for where I lead this – for how I lead it.

Alternatively, is it correct to abdicate responsibility for our lives to someone else? To find someone to blame when it doesn’t go right? To find someone else to trust to always make the right decisions for us? Or is it our responsibility to learn, lead, and navigate the life and lifestyle we want to lead, own, and develop? I am aware that I have mentioned these many times, it is a core point for me in life. As a therapist, I have seen far too many blame others for their lives, their choices, and their situations. My response was always, “If you don’t like it why are you not changing it?” It’s simple even if not always easy.

Leadership looks powerful from the outside and heavy. Part of why so many do not want to claim it… Inside, when we don’t believe in ourselves, it also often carries a quiet cost. That’s because leadership is not just strategy - it is physiology. Your nervous system becomes your organization’s culture whether in a family or a massive corporation.

Chronic stress in a leader = chronic stress in a team.

We admit that anxious mothers can create anxious children and teens. The same applies to leaders in organizations. As a result, decision-making shifts under pressure and relationships become transactional instead of connected with a costly impact on health, productivity, and engagement.

We are in a leadership crisis. Most leaders are not failing because they lack skill. They are exhausted from sustaining an identity that isn’t aligned. They are living a leadership style they believe they “should” have. As a result, the question is not: “Are you successful?” The question is: “What is your success costing you?” “What is the cost of the role you are playing?

Where are you leading from pressure instead of presence? What is it you expect from others? From yourself? Any room in there to simply be human? What does your body know that your mind is ignoring? Where are you carrying your stress? Do you know how to release it? How hard is it for you to do?

Sustainable and effective leadership isn’t built on force.

It’s built on alignment. It requires letting go of any illusions of what leadership looks like. Find your own style, relaxing yet productive? Clear and upfront with heart added on? Controlling and demanding that all achieve perfection? Know your style and minimize the cost. Just being you, compassionate and productive whatever that looks like works best. Leave “perfect” in the dictionary.